Valkyrie, or, The Most Evil Table Leg In History

I saw the movie Valkyrie. Going in, I admit I was skeptical, because there was a trailer for Gran Torino and I was thinking about how I'd rather be watching Gran Torino, or, Clint Eastwood's Plan To Build Himself A Fucking House Made Of Oscars. No, actually I was skeptical because it was a historical drama, and the problem with historical dramas is always that you know how they end. This was compounded by the fact that it is a spy thriller kind of movie, and those rely heavily on suspense. So I guess my main question was how this film could draw me in and keep my attention even though I knew the plan was doomed to failure. It did. How? By maintaining a fast pace and focusing on detail. This film goes really, really fast, and the pacing works. We travel all over Germany without stopping hardly anywhere for superfluous crap like character development and all that. The movie is pretty much all about Stauffenberg (Cruise), and his character is established pretty much right away: he's a rebellious officer who doesn't like Hitler very much. Good on him, that's all we really need to know. The rest of the cast is basically the same, a bunch of individuals dedicated to bringing down Hitler.

Despite that, the film managed to make me care about the plot and its main character because, well, who wouldn't want to kill Hitler. We're pretty much just as dedicated as Stauffenberg ourselves here. Good job, Bryan Singer. Anyhow, moving on, there are some nice shots in the film of the German countryside, especially all the parts dealing with the Eagle's Nest. For an evil dictator, Hitler knew a thing or two about beautful vistas. The costuming in the film is also excellent; however this has nothing to do with the film's costume staff and everything to do with Hugo Boss and his design of those marvelously theatrical uniforms he made for the Nazis. Say what you will about the whole atrocious morally repugnant genocide thing, motherfuckers had style.

The film's point is pretty simple. Singer wants to show us that there were some people in the German Army that were pretty OK fellas. This isn't terribly ambitious, but thinking about it, I can't recall a single other film that portrayed a few Nazis sympathetically, unless you want to count Stalingrad, a lighthearted little German film about the eastern front concerning 18 year old Germans being sent to crawl around in mud and vomit and their friends' guts while freezing to death and being shot at and pissing their pants and crying. Or The Producers. Anyhow, the point gets across, albeit somewhat didactically. ("We have to show the world that some of us were not like him.") Show don't tell, Bryan Singer, step your game up. The point stands, though, so I can't complain on that front. Another thing done well is the image of the briefcase being moved to the other side of the table leg as the thing that essentially causes the whole plan to fail. That damn table leg being the only thing that condemned the world to keep fighting for another year is quite the thought, and I think just the right amount of focus was placed on it. The futility of man's plans, so fragile as to be thwarted by a well-built table! In addition, Singer does a good job of carrying the film beyond that moment. The film could have ended with the bomb blowing up and then showing Hitler still standing, then cut to Stauffenberg uttering "well, fuck" and being shot. That would have been funny, but not too good as a serious film. But no, it goes on and does a lot more, showing the conspirators' (totally futile) attempts to bring their coup full circle and showing us some more of Stauffenberg's dedication and defiance. If only they could have known Hitler survived, they could have had a pizza party or something while waiting to be executed.

I have some qualms, though. At times, Stauffenberg is just a bit TOO rebellious. This is most evident in the scene in which Frohm (Tom Wilkinson) tells him he must do the German Salute, the Heil Hitler thing. So he turns around and raises his stump where his right hand should be (he lost it in North Africa at the beginning) and shouts "HEIL HITLER!" Jeez, why don't you have him shout "NO, FUCK YOU, DAD" instead? It's kind of corny. Another problem comes in the scene in which Stauffenberg's family hides from the bombing and he realizes his plan. I always hate "epiphany moments" like that in films, especially when they involve stereotypically German music and montages of record players. Also corny. Finally, I had a hard time believing that Hitler, one of the most hyper-paranoid anal retentive nutcases in history, would simply skim over one of his plans (Operation Valkyrie, the film's eponymous military operation involving consolidation of Nazi power in Berlin in the event of Hitler's death) and approve it after saying "nice wagner ref bro." He also looks like a disheveled old man, which is probably intentional.

So, in conclusion, it's a pretty good film with a couple little problems. A lot of critics have said the main problem is Tom Cruise. They call him distracting in the role. In my opinion he was very subdued and efficient in his acting, delivering most of his lines quietly and calmly, like a 1940s German army officer might have. There are a few moments when he slips into Ethan Hunt super dramatic spy mode ("We have to kill Hitler.") but it's mostly a solid performance, not Oscar-worthy but certainly fitting to the film. I don't know what they're talking about. "Oh, he's so distracting!" What are you distracted by, his tight abs or chiseled good looks, you homos? They're all gay for Tom Cruise.

This film gets seven "why is this the first result for tom cruise on google image search and what the fuck is he doing to that shirt" awards out of ten.